THE POWER OF LISTENING

We all know what it's like when we're upset about something and some one tries to help by telling us what they think we should do. We might feel annoyed, frustrated, want to get away from that person or just wish they would stop talking. It's no different for our children........

A mismatch or mis-attunement can occur when a child is distressed by something and we as a relatively calm observer to the situation just 'know what would make the situation better for the child'. In our efforts to help the child move quickly onto a better frame of mind and start enjoying the moment again, we try to solve the situation for the child. Our efforts may be met by the child's distress increasing or by their withdrawal from the scenario. We may be surprised and perhaps downheartened by these responses to our well-intentioned and reasonable suggestions to a situation.

If we can resist the temptation to rush in and fix things for a child, and instead stop, pause, think what might be going on for the child , be curious about this rather than assume you know what is going on and then listen to what the child has to say, we may learn and empower the child.

A couple of examples from reflective conversations with practitoners highlight the power of listening.

In an early years setting, a young boy Ollie had a reputation with the Early Years staff, as being little difficult to transition from inside to outside play. Ollie constantly resistsed requests from staff to put on his coat, shoes and hat and at times flatly refused. No amount of cajoling from staff seemed to work. One day rather than use their usual strategies - incentives mixed with admmonishments - to get Ollie outside at the same time as the other chidlren, a staff member sat down next ot Ollie and was curious. She mentioned to Ollie that she noticed he often took a long time to get ready to go outside and didn't seem to like playing outside anymore. Without further prompting, Ollie told the adult that he did't like putting his shoes on as they were tight and hurt his feet.

In a second ealry years setting, one little girl Rosie, was having increasing difficulties going to and using the toilet. Rosie had started to wet herself in nursery despite being assured by parents that she was toilet trained. Nursery staff were concerned that whenever they mentioned it being time to use the toilet, Rosie started to cry and refused to follow their suggestion. After a short period of toileting timetables and reminders being unsuccessful, an adult sat next to Rosie and mentioned that she noticed that Rosie did not seem to want to go to the toilet. The adult sat and waited. Rosie then explained; It was cold in the toilets, the toilet seat was cold, she didn't like sitting on it. The adult let Rosie know that this made perfect sense, she understood; it was December, it WAS cold.

Adult assumptions of children having issues wiith following instructions and toileting problems were transformed to ones of tight shoes and a cold toilet seat. By listening to the child rather than trying to fix a situation for them, the adults in these scenarios were able to and ensure that the child genuinely felt 'seen'. By listening 'to learn', rather than listening 'to fix'', by being curious about what might be going on for the child rather than adhering to preconceived ideas, the adults communicated their desire to understand the inner life of the child and connect with them on a meangingful level. The children felt soothed, safe and secure.

People who use Emotion Coaching effectively consciously 'listen to learn' rather than 'listen to fix'. They are aware that even though listening to children can appear difficult during busy moments and environments,'listening to learn' actuallly saves them time in the moment and also long-term. Adult perceptions of children change, relational connections are strengthened and children are empowered.