A Looked After Child, Shame & Emotion Coaching

Evie is a 4 year old girl who has been in care since the age of 2.  She has been with her third and current foster family for 4 months.  Rachel an emergency and respite foster carer received a call mid-week.  Could she possibly look after Evie over the weekend? Evie was due to be released from hospital following a short stay for cold related respiratory difficulties.  Evie’s foster carer was unable to pick her up from hospital as the family car had been damaged in a car accident.   

Rachel picked up Evie who was happy to come and stay for the weekend.   Evie settled in well with Rachel and her family.  On the Saturdaynight Rachel suggested she and Evie make a list of all the things Evie would like to do the next day.  The next day, Rachel made sure that Evie did more cooking, went to the park and playground again and added to her seashell collection from the beach.  When they had got to the last item on the list, Rachel reminded Evie that after this they would need to get her belongings together, get in the car and head off to the drop/off pickup spot where Evie could return to her foster carer, Karen.

Evie said she didn’t want to go.  Rachel validated Evie’s emotions by saying that she understood it was hard to do something she didn’t want to do and stop doing things she really enjoyed. Rachel reminded Evie that it was the end of the weekend and that tomorrow was a pre-school day.  Evie remained adamant she didn’t want to go. Rachel remained calm but firm and told Evie she was going to her foster carer and suggested they went and got her belongings. Evie ran up the stairs and sat on the top stairs;  “I’m not going, I’m absolutely not going”.

Further labelling, validating Evie’s emotions and setting the limits for Evie had no impact. “I live here now, you can be my foster carer, you can be Karen, I don’t want Karen”.

Rachel went to pick up Evie who pushed her away.

Evie’s determination to not move off the top step despite Rachel’s labelling, validating, explaining the boundaries, continued for some time, Rachel eventually said to Evie, “I don’t know what to do, I can’t pick you up, you won’t come down, I’ll have to ring someone to ask what to do”. 

“Noooooo!”

Rachel rings Karen who speaks to Evie.  Karen explains she’s bought some strawberry plants for them to plant and that she was looking forward to having Evie home with her again.  Then Evie says “okay” walks down the stairs and gets into the car.

On the drive to the pick up/drop off point, Rachel said how she had such a nice time with Evie over the weekend and enjoyed all of the things they did together.  Evie was quiet and then said, ”what about my tantrum?  You won’t like me because of that.”

Rachel: “no I understand you were cross about not wanting to leave, that made you feel cross.  It made you upset, not me.  All I’m going to remember is how brave you are at the playground, how you will try anything and how funny it was with the ducks.

Evie: ”oh, you’re not cross with me about the tantrum”.

Rachel: No, I totally understand why you were upset.  You didn’t want to do something.  I feel angry and frustrated when I need to do something I really don’t want to do.  What I’m going to remember is how you tried all of the equipment at the playground, how we took turns in putting little faces on the biscuits we’d made and how brave you were with those DUCKS, when I was really quite scared of them!

At handover, Evie parted from Rachel without issue and returned to Karen’s care.

Rachel ‘s use of Emotion Coaching integrated well with ideas of attachment, trauma and children who have experienced multiple adverse early childhood experiences.  Whilst the use of the language associated with Emotion Coaching did not seem to have much immediate impact, Rachel stayed calm. Repeated iterations of what Evie might be feeling, not blaming her for this as well as consistently maintaining the boundaries and expectations, supported Evie’s sense of feeling seen and safe.

Evie had experienced multiple carers in her life.  Evie had started to develop an internal working model that she was unlikeable because of her behaviour and maybe not worthy of care such as that provided by Rachel.  Evie perhaps felt shame about having upset Rachel.  Rachel’s interaction however brief, helped Evie to not feel shame, Rachel conveyed to Evie was that she was good, capable and worthy of love and care.  Evie was able to feel safe with Rachel. 

We hope that Evie has many more interactions with carers such as Rachel who was able to look beneath the behaviour of the little girl sitting on top of the stairs and guess that this might be a girl who was confused about what kind of behaviour will keep her safe and connected.  We hope that Evie has many more interactions and relationships with adults that continue to foster her beliefs that relationships are satisfying, dependable and that the world is a safe and predictable place.