Putting together the pieces of Emotion Coaching

Ali Brooks is The Learning and Development Manager for the DEN Nursery group.  She is a teacher with 20 years experience, is familiar with Emotion Coaching and has consciously used aspects of it in her practice.  Following recent training in Emotion Coaching, Ali was aware that she had not used all aspects of Emotion Coaching in a single interaction.  The following is a description by Ali of one the first times she had used all the steps of Emotion Coaching in communicating with, and supporting a young, distressed child.

ALI’S STORY

On my way to use one of our meeting spaces, whilst walking through preschool I notice ‘Bobby’ a pre-schooler who is upset as dad has just left. Bobby is usually quite hard to settle, taking a while to regulate when he is upset. He also has a slight delay in language development, which can at times make it difficult for him to express his needs, particularly during periods of dysregulation.

I notice the pre-school member of staff dealing with him is trying her best to settle him, but it isn't working. I ask if I can support.

I kneel close by within Bobby’s eyeline and speak quietly and slowly.

Alii: "I can see you’re sad....I can see the tears, running down your face. (I paused briefly)

You’re sad because daddy had to go....I feel sad too when my children go to school because I miss them....” (again I paused briefly between each statement).

Bobby: "I miss my mummy"

Ali: “Oh do you, that is sad. " I miss my children too when they go to school and that makes me sad.”

I pause, Bobby doesn't respond.

Ali: "Do you need a hug?” I can see Bobby is starting to calm. "I'm going to give you a hug, is that okay?" Bobby doesn't respond, so I just give it a go to see how he responds.  I lean forward gently and gve him a hug. I hug him gently breathing slowly. Bobby calms instantly and stops crying. I hold him for a less than a minute.

I then, kneel back to look at him and speak again.

Ali: “When I am sad, I think of all the fun things I am going to do at nursery and when I get home, I tell my children all about it. We could do that.”  I pause again letting him register what I have said.

Ali: "Shall we go see what we can do at nursery today and find fun things to do. I need to fill my water bottle, can you show me where to do that, I've forgotten."

Bobby follows me through the rooms, and I drop my bags off in the meeting space. I turn and he is right behind me.

Bobby: "Ali, fill water bottle" and shows me where to do it.

I fill it and thank him for his help. I then offer him a choice.

Ali: "Would you like to play first or have breakfast?"

Bobby:  "Have breakfast"

Ali: “Are you okay now? Bobby nods.

Ali: " I'll come back later and see what fun you are having?"

 Bobby calmly goes and helps himself to breakfast and sits down.

Ali said she was so proud Bobby was able to articulate how he felt and happily went about his day, feeling much more calmed and settled. This exchange took no longer than 5 minutes; this was a huge achievement for Bobby as he often takes a much longer time to regulate when he is feeling distressed.

Ali was very excited that the technique had worked and immediately shared this exchange with her fellow Emotion Coaching colleague who had looked after Bobby in the under 2's room. Ali’s colleague shared her excitement and was thrilled Emotion Coaching had been so successful for Bobby.

The Old Forge Nursery is the first nursery of the Den Group to be trained in Emotion Coaching. Ali said that she will use this example during staff training, of how Emotion Coaching can work in action as she rolls out Emotion Coaching training for all staff members across the group’s Nursery sites.

PUTTING THE PIECES TOGETHER

Rather than first jumping to expectation setting and problem solving to manage Bobby’s strong emotions – play or breakfast first? Time was spent with Bobby to help him feel safe and secure so that he could engage with and participate in all the nursery had to offer.

First, Ali paid attention to how Bobby might be feeling and empathised with him. Ali enabled Bobby to feel ‘seen’ as a child in distress rather than labelled as a boy interfering with the running of the nursery.

Ali then labelled and validated how Bobby might be feeling by naming the difficult emotion he might be feeling and then letting him know that it’s okay to feel like that – she feels like that too. In that moment, the explicit acknowledgement of a shared emotional experience helped establish the connection between Bobby and Ali. 

Ali paid continued attention to Bobby’s physical state. She recognised that initially Bobby was in an aroused state and that calming the body might be a good way to help Bobby feel soothed.   Ali noted when his body started to calm.  This gave Ali the signal that they could proceed to setting expectations and problem solving. 

At this stage of the interaction Bobby was feeling safe and secure.  He was ready to accept the expectations of the nursery setting and engage with problem solving that was appropriate for him in that context.  Breakfast or play first.

In this interaction between Ali and Bobby many key aspects of Emotion Coaching were pieced together.  These helped Bobby to calm more quickly, a positive in the busy place of a nursery setting, but also enabled Bobby to have a genuine learning experience around his emotions - what they are and how to manage them.