EMOTION COACHING FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY!

Everybody needs empathy!

We're often asked if Emotion Coaching is just for young children. This description of a family gathering is an example of how Emotion Coaching is a compassionate relational approach for humans of all ages.

It's a bustling family lunch. Lots to be organised (dishes to be heated, table to be set...) and lots of interpersonal dynamics in play.

Let's start with Grandma Linda. Her hearing is declining so she speaks loudly and is often overwhelmed by the general chaos of large groups. She also has mid-stage Alzheimer's.

Then there's Harry. He's eleven and has broken a finger. He can't do any of things that he previously enjoyed because his hand is in a cast.

Dad is feeling harried. He's worried about the food, and is keen for the gathering to be over so he can relax.

Aunty Sue and her toddler, Matteo, are there, too. Matteo is exploring the room with delight.

With miscellaneous cousins and other adults, there's plenty of chatting and laughing.

It's not long before you notice that Grandma is speaking louder and louder. No one is sitting with her, and you're not sure what is going on.

Harry and his cousins are getting rowdy, scrunched up on the couch, playing a game on their phones. Harry is on the outer. He can't hold his phone properly and is losing the game.

Dad is banging the plates onto the table and shuffling chairs around. He says Harry's name a few times, trying to get him and his cousins to quieten down.

Aunty Sue has wandered off as Matteo toddles under the dining table.

You take it all in and check your stress levels. Yep, they're high!

A few deep breaths, and you decide to check in on Grandma first. She's sounding increasingly confused and agitated.

When you sit next to Grandma, you take her hand. You know she likes that. It's a way for you to let her know she has your attention.

'You seem worried, Mum. Would you like to tell me what's going on?'

'Is it today?' Grandma asks anxiously.

It takes a little while, and Grandma gets teary before she can find the words. You rub her back gently and give her some time.

She's worried that she's forgotten the anniversary of Grandpa's passing. It's not quite a year. Not quite the anniversary of his death, but Grandma is still upset.

The noise is increasing from the cousins on the couch. Harry is kicking his legs in frustration.

'You really miss him, don't you?'

Grandma nods and dabs a few tears.

'He loved these get togethers, didn't he?'

'Didn't love the racket!' she responds as she smiles at the rowdy cousins.

Then a howl comes from under the dining table. Matteo has hit his head. You scoop up Matteo and check for damage. He's physically okay. Emotionally upset.

Holding him on your lap so he's facing you, you make eye contact and say: 'Oh, that must have hurt, Matteo! I can see that was a real shock for you.'

He looks at you, listens to you, feels your soothing touch. You put your hand on his little chest and take some deep breaths. He mirrors your actions. He calms.

The couch drama spills over. Harry yells: 'It's not fair!'

Aunty Sue takes Matteo from your arms.

You intercept Harry as he's about to storm off. He's defensive and won't meet your gaze - expecting to be 'told off'.

'Hey, Harry. Looks like that game wasn't much fun for you.'

He grimaces and lifts his plastered arm. 'I can't do anything fun!'

'It's really tough when you feel like you're missing out, isn't it? I'd find that so frustrating!'

Harry meets your gaze and sighs. 'It's not fair. This cast is going to be on for ages.'

Your face and eyes tell him you understand. He doesn't want platitudes. He leans in for a hug.

'It's pretty chaotic in here at the moment, and Grandma's having a hard time, too.'

Harry looks across at Grandma. His face brightens. 'We've still got some bubble mix, don't we?'

You nod and smile.

'Maybe I can blow some bubbles in the garden. Grandma might like that.'

'That's a great idea! You know who else might like bubbles?'

'Matteo!' Harry says.

With Aunty Sue's help, you get Grandma, Harry and Matteo set up in a quiet spot in the garden...then you go and check in with Dad!

*

There is more to Emotion Coaching than following steps in order: empathise, label and validate, set expectations, and help problem solve. With practise, Emotion Coaching becomes a way of being. It can help us to see what's 'underneath' the behaviour of children, young people and adults...and we all need empathy!