Managing Christmas gift jealousy and disappointment

December can be an exciting time for children. It can also be a challenging time for parents and carers to manage at home; changes in everyday routines and energy levels can result in children’s emotions fraying more easily.  December constantly reminds children of gifts that they may receive, the effect of this is cumulative and the end of the month can’t come quickly enough for many!

Whilst there are many delightful aspects to December and Christmas as our children experience moments of wonder and delight, there can be some potentially tricky moments for parents and carers to manage. 

As Christmas Day approaches, some parents and  carers start to worry about what will happen when their children receive different gifts from family and friends?  What happens if one sibling receives a gift that is desired by the other sibling?  How to manage the jealousy and disappointment which doesn’t seem to fit with spirit of Christmas?  Depending on the age of the children, parents are aware that there may be snatching of gifts, crankiness, moodiness and whining.

As with many aspects to the events surrounding Christmas time, preparation is key.  Emotion Coaching can be usefully used as a preparation tool to prepare your children for these very strong and difficult emotions.  Rather than wait until Christmas Day itself and then Emotion Coaching your child who is disappointed that a sibling received a gift that they would really have liked. Prepare your children for these emotional moments.

STEP 1- EMPATHISE WITH HOW THE CHILD MIGHT FEEL

Anticipate what your children might feel when they receive different gifts

STEP 2 - LABEL AND VALIDATE THOSE FEELINGS

Communicate these feelings to children regularly beforehand during the build-up to Christmas.  Explain that sometimes when our sibling receives a gift that we really like or want it can make us feel disappointed and jealous.

Explain what jealousy is – that it’s a feeling of wanting something another person has or a fear of losing something you have. Jealousy is natural and is experienced by everyone at some time. Talk about times when you have felt jealous, when your child may have felt jealous in the past and if appropriate, ask them to think about occasions when they have felt jealous.  

e.g.      - getting the attention someone else is getting

- wanting something someone else has

- wishing you had a skill or talent someone else has

- wishing you could do something that someone else gets to do, e.g. stay up late

STEP 3 – SET EXPECTATIONS FOR BEHAVIOUR and use this as an opportunity for teaching your child about jealousy

Remind children about expectations for behaviour.

Teach them to be grateful, explain how lucky they are that someone loves them enough to give them a gift and that it could hurt other’s feelings if they express dissatisfaction with their gift.  

Emphasise the importance of manners such as saying thank you and showing enthusiasm for gifts.

Help a child accept a “no” answer from their sibling when asked if they can share a gift or take turns straight away.

STEP 4 - HELP YOUR CHILD TO COME UP WITH SUITABLE STRATEGIES TO MANAGE THE STRONG FEELING.

-Teach your child to ask their sibling if they can share or play with a gift together (but this may not happen straight away so there needs to be a strategy for that too!)

-Remind your child that they have great gifts too.

- Help them to be happy for their sibling who is enjoying their gift.

-Remind them they can talk to someone about how they’re feeling rather than responding physically.  "It's OK to feel jealous, we all feel like that sometimes".

- Be a role model for children when you receive a gift, e.g. “I can’t believe this person gave me a gift. It’s so nice and I love it!”

You may very well still need to Emotion Coach your child in that very moment that their sibling receives the painting set they so admire. That doesn’t mean your Emotion Coaching preparation work has been a waste of time. Those feelings of jealously don’t simply disappear because you have prepared your child.  After all your children are young and are constantly learning how to understand and manage strong emotions, they are not yet master of these because you have done some preparatory work with them. By having prepared your child in the weeks ahead of Christmas Day they are emotionally primed or better prepared to be able to manage those very strong feelings.  A clear pathway of understanding about the situation has been established as has options for dealing with it.

Wishing you all a calm Christmas and hope you are able to spend time with people dear to you.

Useful Resource – Let’s talk about feeling Jealous, by Joy Berry (for ages 3-7).  Available as a hard copy book or read on You Tube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=999vzYDyUig