Change, stress, loss and Emotion Coaching

As much as we try to maintain consistent routines for our children to help them manage everyday change and stress, sometimes the amount of changes going on for a child may simply overwhelm them.  

The stress bucket analogy helps us and our children, to understand why a seemingly small event or stressor can result in a huge reaction from a child. Stressors can be visualised as water filling a bucket.  When the bucket gets too full, it overflows resulting in a tantrum or meltdown.  The goal is to identify ‘stressors’ (what fills our bucket) and ‘coping strategies’ (tapping out water) to keep it manageable.  It’s useful to keep in mind that everyone has different sized buckets and that any event difficult or exciting can fill the bucket, so if something feels fun or exciting, a little goes into the bucket too.

Audrey is 4 years old.  In the past 6 months, her mother, who up until then had been a full-time stay -at -home carer has started working shift work, her family has moved home, she now shares a bedroom with her younger rather than with older sister and she has started child care due to her mother’s new work.  Audrey’s parents made extra efforts to maintain her daily routines, prepare Audrey for any changes, validating her emotions giving her choices and modelling calmness. 

Audrey seemed to have managed all of these changes well; she was enjoying having the extra attention and time she was able to spend with her grandfather now as part of the new living arrangements. However, after a few months, Audrey started saying to her parents that she didn’t want to go to child care and then the child carer working with Audrey mentioned to her mother that they had noticed a change in Audrey’s behaviour at child care.  Audrey was not engaging with activities as she once had.  

Audrey’s parents tried to find out from Audrey what was different about child care recently that made her not enjoy it.  Eventually Audrey told them that the friend she had made when she first joined at recently left.   

Ah, now it made sense.  Audrey’s stress bucket was already pretty full due to all the recent changes.  Her bucket was big enough to manage these stressors.  However, the additional stress of the loss of a preferred play mate at child care had caused her bucket to overflow. 

In addition to the usual ways they used to help reduce everyday stress for Audrey such as daily routines, having plenty of time for free play and physical activity , giving Audrey choices where possible to give her a sense of control and lots of opportunities to connect with people she felt understood and comforted by, Audrey’s parents spoke to Audrey about sadness and loss of friendship using an Emotion Coaching framework.  The aim was to label and validate those emotions Audrey was feeling and help her think about what she might do about this situation she was experiencing. This was probably the first time Audrey had experienced the loss of a friend. 

Parent: You told me that your friend Sophia from child care, no longer attends

Audrey: Yes, I don’t like it there anymore.

Parent: Missing someone can be really difficult can’t it?  When I was young my best friend was called Zoe.  I felt sad when she wasn’t there because I missed having fun with her.  So I understand that you might be feeling sad and maybe a little lonely because your special friend is no longer attending.  Parent gives Audrey a big hug.

(long pause). 

Parent: Did you do any painting today at child care?

Audrey: Yes, I used three different blues to make a beautiful sky and then I put stars all over it.

Parent: Were there any other children painting at the same time as you?  

Audrey: Leo was painting a crocodile – it had big teeth

Parent: Oh so maybe Leo likes painting too, like you do.  

Audrey: Yes, maybe.  He’s painted a dinosaur before.

Parent: Often people that are our friends or might be friends are people that like doing the same sort of things.  I know you feel sad and a bit lonely without Sophia now but maybe Leo might turn into a new friend for you.

Audrey: Hmm.

Parent: You could turn into a detective! Maybe you could notice who else is doing things you like at child care. I know you like playing with the magnetic tiles, painting and doing craft. Maybe children who also like doing those things can become new friends for you.   

(pause)

Parent: Let’s have a look at the photos the child carer has sent to me today, maybe you could show me the painting with the three coloured sky. 

Audrey: With stars!

This Emotion Coaching conversation and the problem solving associated with it, needed to be undertaken several times.  Sometimes you can get a quick win from Emotion Coaching, but sometimes many repetitions may be needed.  Eventually Audrey started talking about what she and some of the other children had done together at child care.

Emotion Coaching is another of the strategies that can help reduce stress in children.  

Sometimes we might be uncomfortable with our child feeling sad and/or lonely and we try to make the difficult emotions go away as quickly as possible and making light of the emotions.  In these circumstances we might say:

“Oh don’t be silly, you have plenty of friends in child care, I’ve seen you playing with lots of children not just Sophia.”  

Audrey’s parents saw this situation as an opportunity to help her daughter learn about sadness and loss.  She empathised with how Audrey was feeling, labelled and validated those feelings and then offered a suggestion for how Audrey might move forwards.  These steps in the Emotion Coaching response helped to reduce Audrey’s physiological response to stress.  

When children feel understood their overall stress levels decrease. Audrey’s parent was opening up a tap in Audrey’s stress bucket and letting out some of the stress.  This means that there is more room in Audrey’s bucket again!

A full bucket doesn’t mean something is wrong.  It means ;you are feeling many things at once. 

Our Emotion Coaching training helps parents, caregivers, educators and professionals learn practical ways to recognise emotions, reduce stress responses and support children through big feelings and life changes with connection and confidence.

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